Author: Allison Sharkey

2019 goals

My 5 Goals (Not Resolutions!) For 2019

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I am ready to kick 2018 out the door. Sayonara, year.

The best thing you gave me was my beautiful daughter. The worst was piles of medical bills from a high risk and awful pregnancy, a traumatizing c-section recovery, and last but very not least.. postpartum anxiety and OCD.

But oh, January 1, how I loathe you.

Not because it’s a new year, I like clean slates, but because everyone everywhere is searching through their cheap champagne hungover brains for a list of resolutions.

The definition of “resolution” is a firm decision to do something.

Firm. Yeah, right.

Exhibit A:  I signed up for a weight loss program a few days ago. The holidays are over, we are a mere five months away from bathing suit season, and I am only six months from my daughters first birthday. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you, “NEW YEAR NEW ME” was flashing in neon lights in my head when I began this dieting endeavor. Two days later I was in my kitchen eating left over Christmas cookies. Far from a firm decision.

We spend January proclaiming our resolutions, and February full of chocolate and regret for abandoning them.

As someone with postpartum anxiety and OCD the last thing I need is something else to stress and obsess over. The mere thought of creating a list of resolutions to focus on gives me hives.

Instead, I am going to set goals this year.

Rather than resolutions, goals take on more of a destination, and most destinations have bumps in the road. Sometimes the car breaks down, or the bus gets a flat, but everyone gets there in time. It may take longer than anticipated, but you reach your destination in the end.

Here are five goals that I have come up with for myself throughout 2019.

1. Be kind to yourself.

We are all fighting a tough battle. Having postpartum anxiety and OCD caused a whirlwind in my life the last few months of 2018, but I’m entering 2019 on a high. If that high plateaus, or my healing plummets for a moment in time, I will be gentle with myself. I now know healing is a process. Belittling myself for the bad days or bad moments won’t get me anywhere.

2. Set boundaries.
I talk a big game about keeping the negative out, but I never really do it. I set boundaries and allow them to be broken immediately. My goal for this year is to stick to my guns when it comes to boundaries. I know it is so important to ensure the people surrounding me reflect love and light while I journey through the PMAD world. I will work hard on protecting my peace in 2019.

3. Self care.

Instead of saying, “I need to lose X amount of pounds” I am going to incorporate more self care into my life. It can be as simple as applying a fun facial mask a few nights a week, making time for a mani/pedi, attending a yoga class once a week, or even making sure I get back to my nightly chamomile tea while watching my favorite show. If along the way I am able to begin a diet and shed some pounds, great, but that isn’t my goal. The goal here is to nurture myself as well as I do others.

4. Read, real books, not your phone.
Social media is the bane of my PMAD world. Unfortunately, not many will show the negative aspects of being a Mom and wife across their social media accounts. My goal is to put down my phone more when I am about to mindlessly scroll on social media, and pick up a book. I have 2 books on my nightstand with a small book light. I’ll replace scrolling through Facebook for way too long with a chapter of a book. Gone are the days where I would fall asleep with a book wide open on my belly, and now I instead fall asleep with my phone smacking me in my face.

5. Help others.
I have always been proactive in areas I feel passionate about, and being thrown for a loop into the world of PMAD has opened new territory for me that I never knew existed. The stigma, shame, and secrecy surrounding PMAD has created an environment and culture that has prevented Moms from getting the help they need at the most vulnerable time in a family’s life. If in 2019 speaking out about my PMAD experience can help even one single Mom, then it is worth it.

When the clock strikes 12:00 AM on January 1st, take a deep breath, and remember it is just another day. There are no mandatory resolutions to be made, only goals to journey through 2019 with.

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Allison Sharkey

My Anxious Christmas

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It’s Sunday. I’m sitting on the couch nursing the baby when our 5 year old sits next to me. She pauses, drops her head and frowns. I roll my eyes without her seeing. I can only imagine what she’s about to say.

Today has been a good day so far. Granted, it’s 9:12am but waking up feeling genuinely good these days is a celebration in itself.

We’ve already made pancakes, not box mix but from scratch (only because we ran out of the boxed one), and watched the movie “Elf” while eating them.

“I’m sad because we didn’t put up more decorations for Christmas..” she says, still frowning and about to cry.

Big thanks to Will Ferrell and postpartum anxiety for this moment.

I look at her and answer the only way I know how to lately, through half sincerities, “baby we’re going to put more decorations up just not today.” Total lie. I have no plans on putting up more.

“I want to right now,” she says.

“We can’t right now. I’m feeding your sister,” I answer.

The baby has recently foregone napping anywhere except my arms, usually 10 min after nursing, leaving me paralyzed.

As my daughter was yelling at me about decorating, my bladder was also screaming. I had to pee for the past 20 minutes yet was also unbelievably thirsty since I forgot to grab a water before sitting.

For the 500th time this week I think to myself, “I really need to get her to nap in her crib already…”

There’s a container of Christmas decorations sitting next to the tree yet to adorn the house. The tree that’s been up since 2 days after Thanksgiving.

It’s December 2nd and I know very well having the amount of Christmas decorations up right now makes us ahead of the game. After all, I grew up with our tree and home being decorated one week before Christmas. So prior to this year I make sure to go full on Clark Griswold and decorate on Black Friday.

I blast Christmas music, we make hot chocolate, and we dance around the living room while decorating our lives away.

My five year old is obviously aware of her Christmas crazy Mom taking a back seat this year.

She gets louder now.

“Can’t we turn on Christmas music, Mom!” She begs. 
“Make hot chocolate for me PLEASEEE!” She pleads. 

“Alexa, play Frosty the Snowman!” She yells.

Frosty starts blaring from the speaker. The baby wakes up screaming. I knock over three ounces of milk collected in the device suctioned to the non nursing boob catching every drop of milk. My daughter sees the milk spilling and rage building. She immediately apologizes.

The rage that comes along with postpartum anxiety arrives. 

I scream my head off.

I want so badly to yell back at her:

“I’ve done enough decorating already!”

“I could care less about Christmas this year!”

Sending cards. Decorating. The movies. The cheerful songs. The lights and sparkles. Words like joy, merry and bright showing everywhere none of which depict the way I feel.

The holidays can be a lot for any Mom, but in the midst of postpartum anxiety I am so overwhelmed that Christmas has me underwhelmed.

I feel guilty. Guilt I’m not my holly jolly self for my five year old, and I’m not over the moon for my baby’s first Christmas. This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year but right now the pressure of the holidays is making it feel like the worst.

I don’t want family members passing the baby around like a hot potato.
I’m worried about whether or not everyone got a flu shot.

Questions about her not taking a bottle yet.
Comments about her tiny size.
And I really don’t want to bake cookies.
Or send the cards I’ve had on my kitchen table for the past 3 weeks.
I don’t feel like decorating more.
Or singing Christmas carols.
Or watching Christmas movies.

I am telling myself it’s just fine to take it easy, to tone everything down this one Christmas and focus on myself. Every year won’t be like this. It’s fine because our 5 month old surely won’t remember it, and 5 year old will still run down the steps with her eyes wide on Christmas morning.

And it’s especially okay because the way I feel right now is just a season.

A cold, dark, and at times stormy season that’ll pass in time. Right now the only thing I can equate with Christmas is the intense chill in the air. I know it’ll get warmer soon enough. The sun will melt the darkness away, and everything will Bloom again.

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Allison is a wife, mom to two beautiful girls,
and freelance writer living at the Jersey shore. She loves writing, cooking, Pinot Noir, Bruce Springsteen, and combing the shoreline for seaglass. After having her second daughter in the summer of 2018 she’s slowly navigating the world of postpartum anxiety.
You can follow her on
Instagram (Instagram.com/alli_shark) and

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