Postpartum Depression Archives | The Bloom Foundation for Maternal Wellness

This Is What We Know…The Latest On The New PPD Drug, Zulresso.

Written by Shannon Hayes on March 28, 2019. Posted in Blog, PMAD, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum Depression, Sleep, Suicide. Leave a Comment

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For many women, having a baby is all they ever wanted. Pregnancy, and the promise of motherhood, will make you the happiest woman on earth. However, the reality for 1 in 5 women is a far cry from the what they always dreamed of. Postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, and other perinatal mood and anxiety disorders become the new reality, and for these women options are scarce. Women suffer in silence. Mom guilt descends, screening is spotty, providers are untrained, treatment is sparse, and it’s one of the greatest causes of maternal mortality. So on March 19th when the FDA approved Zulresso, the first drug ever for postpartum depression, the game changed. But, initial reports of lengthy hospital stays and costs over 30K created a huge backlash from skeptics and hopefuls alike.

Lisa Tremayne is the Director Center of the Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders in Long Branch, NJ. This center is one of only a handful across that country that is hospital based and provides support and treatment for women suffering from PMADs. Lisa has also been part of Sage Therapeutic’s (maker of Zulresso) advisory council and returns to the Bloom Foundation (she is also President) after meeting with the Sage team and other leaders in the PMAD field in Washington DC to discuss the next steps for Zulresso with COO, Shannon Hayes.

Shannon Hayes: When the announcement came that the FDA approved Zulresso, we were thrilled here at Bloom. I don’t think our phones stopped ringing for days. It was exciting, but then we started to see a backlash.

Lisa Tremayne: Yes, the pushback came pretty quickly.

SH: Because you are on the front lines, you see and treat women suffering from PMADs every day which is an unusual situation due to the limited number of resources around the country, you have a unique perspective on this issue. There are very few people like you and your team. You know what works and what doesn’t work…

LT: …and we see the collateral damages of waiting to get help. That is my number 1 frustration. So, here we have a breakthrough drug, the first drug ever for PPD and I wonder why anyone would feel anything other than – WOOHOO! Why, without the full answers, would one be against something so groundbreaking. I also assume this approval will open up a full new class of drugs. Every time there is a new allergy drug it is like, yay this is the best one! Why wouldn’t this be received the same way.

SH: I think you said it when you said “without full answers.” So let’s address that because we don’t have all the answers but let’s talk about what we do know. It has been reported that the treatment doesn’t come cheap—the average cost per patient is $34,000. Do you know anything more about that, how is that going to be addressed?

LT: The FDA approved this drug on March 19th, and now the process begins. The manufacturing, release, and launch looks to be about June. Again, I am not an FDA person, I am just telling you what I heard. Once the FDA approved it, Sage went to their insurance board and said – here is what we have, here is what it treats and what will be the reimbursement for this or what information do you need from this. As of day 8 from FDA approval, they have had no negative feedback from insurance companies. There is an out of pocket and deductible expense, as there is with any hospital treatment. Everyone reacted to the wholesale price that was reported, but that is not the price that will be passed on to the consumer.

SH: Another pushback that has garnered lots of discussion relates to the 60 hours of IV infusion needed. One of the first texts I received after the announcement was “What mom who has just had a baby is going to take the time away from their newborn to spend 60 hours in a hospital hooked up to an IV?”Do you feel this a valid push back?

LH: I feel this is an uneducated response. Zulresso is a tool in the breadth of drugs available, if needed, for a woman and for a family unit that is suffering the impacts of perinatal mood disorders. Say a mom scores off the charts for PMADs, hypothetically a 10 out of 10. Medication will work, but it will be 4-6 weeks before any real effects are seen, and that is if the correct med and dosage is given the first time. Can we help her with that now; absolutely? But, If you told me I could feel better from my allergies tomorrow instead of June, I choose tomorrow. Zulresso is the tomorrow choice. A woman who is going to be considered for this drug, or more likely will be suggested to receive this 3 day treatment after evaluation, is despondent. She is not intact in her family. She is not showering. She is probably not breastfeeding.

SH: Breastfeeding is another question that has been raised.

LT: If breastfeeding is a way mom is feeling attached to her baby, then she can pump and dump for 3 days. We do this when babies go into NICU, we do this if a mom gets into an accident and needs general anesthesia. This is not a bizarre request.

SH: So this is for the woman that is suffering so much that 3 days won’t matter because she is not engaged, she is not involved, because mom is sick.

LT: Exactly, mom is sick. I also did hear some questioning about the single mom. This is a valid question, and I think this is a wonderful opportunity for nonprofits and advocacy groups to step in and offer help. Help with child care, or financing so dad can take time off or for a nearby hotel for the family to stay… there are may ways to address this.

SH: Who exactly is this drug for?

LT: This is for the mom who is experiencing moderate to severe PMADs. A valid screening tool has been used and a team has made an evaluation and assessment of the mom. This is not a one size fits all. This is not a treat and street situation. This is not, okay you had your IV now off you go! There is a responsibility to say- Hey, we think this IV treatment is your best option right now and when mom is discharged, here is her follow up treatment plan. She can’t go home and start thinking – I can’t believe I left for 3 days, I stopped breastfeeding, what mother does that? So she has to be in a PMAD specific treatment plan.

Remember, they are coming in for treatment at a time when they feel despondent, lost, are experiencing intrusive thoughts, are not connected. Wouldn’t it be great to take that time mom is hooked up to IV and get her started on some nice self care as well. Have a therapist visit and maybe a survivor who can let her know she is not alone, how about a little aromatherapy and lots of sleep. The goal is to get the mom back to feeling like a human being, not a monster, not a failure, not disconnected.

SH: A lot of blog posts and comments addressed sleep. Many suggested that any new mom who got 60 hours of sleep and rest would feel better no matter what.

LT: Of course, if you put any mom with estrogen and progesterone anywhere for 3 days with protected sleep they would feel better just to get the mental load taken off their hands. My questions is would be how would they feel 3 days or a week later.

SH: So with this drug they still feel better 3 days later? A week? A month?

LT: Yes, but it is not 100%, it is around 70%. 70 works for me. I would a take 70% chance. If it doesn’t work, there are still other options such as medications and therapy.

SH: So hospitals that will be given the opportunity to provide this drug will also need to have in place a comprehensive PMAD therapy plan. Do you know if there are any physical side effects.

LT: The only one I know of is somnolence, which means sleepy. I think this is a really good side effect.

SH: I was going to wrap it up by asking what your feelings were on this drug, but I think that it is pretty apparent.

LT: I think it is amazing in my lifetime to see a first drug for something, that part of it blows me away. I can’t remember a first drug for anything.

SH: Viagra?

LT: Viagra was a very good invention….for some people. Maybe not women, hahaha just kidding.

SH: LOL, and Viagra is covered by insurance.

LT: So if erectile dysfunction pills are covered… this better be covered.

The bottom line is that postpartum depression and anxiety and OCD and psychosis and rage and all PMADs affect the health and welfare of the mom, their children, the family and society as a whole; and suicide is one of the leading causes of women after their first year postpartum. Our nationwide resources are abysmal and while there is no magic pill, Zulresso is one step closer to saving lives and THAT is worth celebrating.

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It’s Scary What a Smile Can Hide

Written by Elena Juliano on May 5, 2018. Posted in Blog, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum Depression. Leave a Comment

After working up the courage, I shared this poem on Facebook a few months ago. It was a scary thing to do.

It was received with a lot of love publicly and privately, and one friend reached out and said she thought she was the only one who felt this way. With the help of Tiffany of the Bloom Foundation we were able to get her the help she needed.

If you are reading this and feel the same, know that you are not alone. You don’t need to hide behind a smile. There is help.

I lied and said I was busy.

I was busy; but not in a way most people understand.

I was living in a body fighting to survive.

I was fighting a war inside my head.

EVERY.

SINGLE.

DAY.

It’s scary what a smile can hide.

My illness does not define me. My strength and courage does.

Although I am still Blooming, I made it to 2018 as a survivor

and…

my story is not over.

An Open Letter to My Loved Ones

Written by Viki Kelly-Quirk on May 1, 2018. Posted in Blog, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum Depression, Survivor Stories. Leave a Comment

Dear loved ones,

It isn’t anyone’s fault I ended up having Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders after my son’s birth, nor have I done anything wrong while suffering from this illness. I know surviving this has affected me in a number of ways and I imagine it has affected you in a variety of ways.

For that, I am sorry.

I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you.

I’m sorry I kept you out.

I’m sorry if I hurt you.

I wasn’t well and wasn’t able to do more than I did at the time. Denial was present before I had any clue what was happening to me followed by intense confusion and all consuming fear. I wanted so badly to believe I was ok, I could do this mom thing, and the hard times would pass. I wanted it so badly I tried to fake it till I made it. I only started to make it when I stopped faking it.

I was lost within myself. My thoughts and feelings terrified me to the point where I couldn’t believe anyone else could handle them. I kept you at a distance because the thought of horrifying you with how I felt or losing your love as a result of my feelings was far too much to bear.

None of what happened is a reflection on you or the love you have shown me. It speaks to what mental illness and trauma can do to a person. My postpartum anxiety,depression, and PTSD altered my perception of everything including what I know to be true about myself and all of you.

You’d give me the world if you could and do anything to make sure I was ok. These facts weren’t in my mind for a while but were always in my heart. When I started to put myself back together again, I began to remember the truth.

The truth is you were with me through the darkest and scariest hours, the smiles I faked, the lies I told, the times of real joy and fun, and the moment I accepted what was happening to me. My being able to come to acceptance of my illness, receive treatment, and share it with you speaks to who you are in my life and the love you’ve shown me.

Please understand that PMADs are a complex beast to war with and it takes a strength, determination, and resilience you don’t know you have until you start digging for it. It wasn’t that I wanted to be how I was or treat you as I did; I was in deep pain and survival mode. What I thought I needed the least I needed the most – a tribe of other mothers who shared my experience. I needed to be in this community to begin my healing then carry it out into my life with you. It couldn’t work the other way around.

Please know my struggle wasn’t your fault. None of us were properly educated in PMADs and, even if we had been, it may have all played out the same way. I was so panicked from the depths of my being that I strapped on a mask and held it in place as tightly as I could. If you saw past my mask and have any regrets about how you handled that moment, please try to let it go.

It is unknown to me whether or not you having said something or done differently if I could’ve received it. I do know now it is worth it to ask questions of a mom and say you’re concerned when you are even if it appears to fall on deaf ears. We can never know what might stick in a person’s mind and how they may use it later on.

Please hold onto the fact that your love and acceptance of me is what helped me climb out of the darkness and re-emerge back into our life.

Thank you for never giving up on me.

I love you.

Three Smiles

Written by Jess Somodi on April 27, 2018. Posted in Blog, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum Depression, Survivor Stories. Leave a Comment

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These three pictures were taken at very different times.

[/vc_column_text][vc_empty_space][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=”1/3″][vc_single_image image=”1219″ img_size=”medium” alignment=”center” style=”vc_box_shadow_3d” css_animation=”slideInLeft”][/vc_column][vc_column width=”1/3″][vc_single_image image=”1214″ img_size=”medium” alignment=”center” style=”vc_box_shadow_3d” css_animation=”slideInDown”][/vc_column][vc_column width=”1/3″][vc_single_image image=”1218″ img_size=”medium” alignment=”center” style=”vc_box_shadow_3d” css_animation=”slideInRight”][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_empty_space][vc_column_text]True, they are only a few years apart, but the person in them is different. The first was taken in December 2012, the second in May 2017, and the last in April 2018. It’s the same person on the outside, but a very different person on the inside.

The girl in the first picture is scared, haunted by obsessive thoughts and feeling like a bad mother for wanting nothing to do with the baby she can’t believe is hers. This girl would be put on medication for the short term, but then suffered with crippling anxiety and rage long after. This girl was a one and done with children. This girl thinks she just made the biggest mistake of her life. She hates the baby, her husband, and herself. She overcompensates by keeping her house obsessively clean and working out for hours on end. She cooks months worth of homemade organic meals and keeps herself up at night making homemade graham crackers. She is not me anymore.

The girl in the second picture can’t believe she did this again. She can’t believe she’s feeling this way again. She had it right this time: exercised and ate healthy all through pregnancy, switched from her OB to a more natural minded midwife, had a natural birth, encapsulated her placenta, took magnesium supplements and had read every book out there. Yet, once again, she’s plagued by sleepless nights, panic attacks, and a crippling depression. She’s heartbroken to see a safe haven sign and learn that she can only drop off a baby 30 days old, and her son is 33 days old. She has visions of dropping her newborn down the stairs. However, she’s acting as if nothing has changed, and she can totally handle life. She repeats to herself: This is normal. It will pass. She is not me anymore.

Then that girl got the help she needed. That girl started therapy, found the right medication, and met her people. She made it her job to go to every possible event at the Center for Perinatal Mood and Anxiety disorder. She learned she has struggled with anxiety her entire life. She learned that therapy, meditation, mindfulness, writing, exercise in moderation, medication and acupuncture could help her thrive.

The woman in the third picture is not without her battles. The difference now is that smile is genuine. Sure, her kids drive her nuts sometimes and she still struggles with anxiety and not having a constant sense of order. But, she knows how to handle it. She laughs more and stresses less. She’s found a sisterhood of amazing women who accept her for who she is. It’s hard work changing her mindset, but she’s committed. She loves her boys fiercely and knows that she was brought to this place for a reason. This woman is me.

Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders are the most common complication of childbirth, and affect one in five women. There is help out there. It’s work, but it can change your life. At almost thirty-five, I’ve finally found myself. I’m a work in progress and that’s alright. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

An Open Letter To My Baby On His First Birthday

Written by Jenn Mullen on April 24, 2018. Posted in Blog, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum Depression. Leave a Comment

One year ago today, you came into a family that loved you so much from the moment we found out about you. One year ago today, you taught me that a mother’s heart has no limits. One year ago today, I fell so deep, so hard, and so fast in love with you. Your birthday is a day to celebrate you, but it’s a day to celebrate Mommy, too.

I know babies are supposed to learn from their mommies, but here’s the thing, my little angel, Jake, you taught me so much about myself as a mother, wife, friend, and person. My love for you was so fierce from the start that I was overcome with extreme obsessive behaviors, worries, anxiety, and fear- but those feelings stemmed from my love for you. All my life, I’ve always wanted to be a mom to a bunch of beautiful babies. I was so extremely blessed to become pregnant with ease. I felt as if my life truly began when I became a mother, so why is this first birthday so hard for me? Why do I feel like my heart is so heavy?

It’s because my PMAD stole my early moments of you.

I was always so worried about you- worried that you weren’t eating enough, worried your belly hurt from reflux, worried about creating the perfect schedule for you… non-stop racing, worrying all day, every day. The distress and anxiety manifested in this manic version of myself. I was obsessed with making everything perfect for everyone- your dad, your brother, and most importantly you. I held the panic attacks inside, only saying what I was really feeling through my PMAD treatment. Sometimes I don’t think I was even completely honest with myself and my feelings. I cried as I held you, wondering why you were entrusted to a mom would felt fanatical, panicked, and fretful. Suffering with Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder wasn’t something that I wanted to focus on during the first year of your life, but it happened. It was beyond my control. I fought so hard to manage it for many months.

Now at the one year mark, this is what I’ve learned, I can hold onto the guilt, sadness, and shame or I can honor it as a learning experience and release it into the universe because it no longer serves me. I keep asking myself ‘Why did this happen to me?’ I think there was a reason that I can now see. It was to teach me that life with a baby is imperfectly perfect. Even moms make mistakes. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad mom, it means I’m learning and you’re my teacher. I thank my lucky stars that I was blessed with you and please know that besides my mixed emotions, your birthday is one of my favorite days ever. The moment I saw you, it was pure, organic, phenomenal love. I want you to know how sorry I am that I spent the first part of your life living as a “mind-full” mom, rather than a “mindful” mom living and treasuring the present moment of your beautiful infancy. I know I can’t get those moments back, but I promise you going forward, I will stay in the now.

This was a hard year for mommy, but know baby boy, it was all for you. I just wanted everything to be perfect for YOU. My sweet Jake, you make my heart smile and all I want for you is happiness, health, laughter & love. I choose to view your birth as my rebirth as your mom.

I promise to practice mindfulness, patience, and flexibility.

I promise to be your imperfectly perfect mom…the perfect mom for you and your brother, James.

You have my heart always & forever. Happy First Birthday to my beautiful, blue eyed angel.

Love always, Mommy

Jennifer Mullen
Preschool Teacher Room 208
Piner Elementary School

jenn mullen shares her PMAD survivor story

My PMAD Journey Led Me to Mindfulness

Written by Jenn Mullen on April 11, 2018. Posted in Blog, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum Depression, Survivor Stories. 3 Comments

Have you ever wondered how you became the person you are? This question haunted me for awhile because I had realized that the person I once was, has left the building—ok, ok, she left the building but it was for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. Even typing that makes me wonder, “What?! How did I get there?” Thinking back to my pre-baby life, I can remember myself as fun, carefree, and maybe at times a little stubborn and bitchy. But never anxious- never manic- never this distorted version of myself. So this recollection always led me back to, how did I get here because I followed the path I had always envisioned for myself- college, teaching young children, home by the beach, happy marriage, & beautiful, healthy babies. I had literally managed to get everything I’ve ever wanted for myself, so what changed? Well on my road to recovery, I realized- I changed, I evolved, I bloomed. Becoming a mother is beautiful and amazing but oh my stars, it’s mostly terrifying and filled with doubt and worries. The constant anxiety and obsessive behavior over •every. little. thing.• took over my life. I could’ve gone down a dark, slippery slope and just accepted this version as the new, crazy, manic me, but I fought and clawed my way up that hill. Once I reached the top, the view was so clear, so obvious. The new me is an improved version of me. I’m still fun (within limits because, you know, adulting is tiring). I can be carefree in the sense that I’ve accepted to live each moment in the present and stop obsessing over the past and future. I can still be moody at times, but as soon as that mood or emotion enters my mind, I choose to release it as it no longer serves me in a positive way.

Through this crazy journey, I have learned that becoming mindful is my greatest asset because it has allowed me the gift of time- the present. I’ve often asked myself this question, do I want to be a Mindful Mom or a Mind-full Mom? To answer, I want to enjoy the little moments and celebrate the milestones with peace. Life tends to speed by, and it’s easy to fixate on the little shitty things, but that’s when we miss out on those big, beautiful moments. I turned my lemons into a refreshing lemonade- with a splash of vodka on the side…see, i can still be fun.

So here’s the deal…It does get better- I’m living proof and for those days that might seem harder than others, I remind myself- a bad moment doesn’t make a bad day and a bad day doesn’t make a bad life. Stay strong, trust the journey, and lean on your tribe.

Silenced By Fear. A Postpartum Anxiety Story

Written by Lisa Tremayne on March 6, 2018. Posted in Blog, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum Depression, Survivor Stories. Leave a Comment

6 years. 72 months.

72 times I got my period and was so disappointed that my body had failed me again. That’s how the inability to conceive feels and the words that we in the medical field – I am a maternal child health nurse use – the inability to conceive. Just to make sure you know that your body doesn’t even have the ability to get pregnant. This is risk factor number one (infertility).

Struggle with Infertility

When most of your friends are in the same specialty you are – maternal/fetal medicine – you know right where to go to fix the problem. Which is exactly what I did. My story begins in May of 1998. After six years of infertility, being of “advanced maternal age (34), and one round of IVF, I am laying on a gurney having my beautiful, large, round eggs extracted. Twenty two eggs to be exact.

The eggs meet the sperm in a perfectly warm environment and each day we get updates as to how they are “doing”. Three days later, six zygotes are implanted back into my body. Six. The doctor tells me not to get hopeful; one was looking good but the other five were really being placed back inside me to increase my chance of pregnancy. I lay on another gurney for an hour, willing that little strong little group of cells to stick. To find a home inside me and fulfill my dream of becoming a mom. These are risk factors number two (infertility treatment) and three (my age).

Pregnancy – Finally!

Seven days later I’m in the hospital for ovarian hyper stimulation and I find out I am pregnant. I. Am. Pregnant. My body didn’t fail me again. Though I’m alone when I find this out, which is not what I pictured for this momentous occasion, I’m so thankful and happy that it didn’t even matter. This is the first time it’s mentioned to me that there is a real possibility I am pregnant with twins. Twins! I am overjoyed and so proud of my body for finally doing what it’s supposed to. One week later this possibility is confirmed, and we see two tiny little egg sacks. This is what they call them, egg sacks. This is risk factor number four (pregnant with multiples).

Another week later and I’m vomiting each day, all day. At the same time we see another egg sack. Three. There are triplets inside me and I am somewhere between super impressed with my body, and absolute terror. As a nurse in this field I know all the risks that come with “higher order multiples”. We’re 4 weeks from implantation and the doctor looks in utter disbelief at the ultrasound screen – there are now FOUR embryos. FOUR.

I cry. I cry for me. I cry for these babies who are so desperately wanted. I cry because I know too much and because I haven’t stopped vomiting in over a week. I am officially diagnosed with Hyperemesis, vomiting all day, every day, and requiring hospitalization for dehydration. These are risk factors number five (Hyperemesis) and risk factor number six (hospitalization during your pregnancy).

Hospitalization and Health Problem

Fast forward to Christmas Day and I am now 30 weeks and 1 day pregnant with triplets. One of the babies was lost somewhere between the 12th and 14th week. I was hospitalized almost my entire 30 weeks of pregnancy, eventually being diagnosed with Pancreatitis. I had been in labor five times by Christmas Day but it had been stopped with medications. I was done. I wanted them out – I had nothing left to give. I was a shell of the person I was just 30 short weeks ago.

Though I wanted to be a mom, I felt like was a host – being kept pregnant to grow these babies as big and strong as possible. I delivered two baby boys and one baby girl later that morning. One of my babies is born not breathing, while the other two are so tiny weighing barely over 2 pounds each and in need of around the clock care. They are wicked away after I catch the briefest of glimpses. These are risk factors number seven (traumatic birth experience) and risk factor number eight (premature delivery of infant).

Time Stops in the NICU and ICU

Time gets really fuzzy after that. I remember them taking me to the NICU on the stretcher to see all my babies. The shear volume of emotions that go through my heart and mind are indescribable. There is one son a ventilator to assist his breathing. The other two of my babies are in incubators – fuzzy, yellow, and heavy with IVs. The day is a blur but I remember thinking, and knowing that something is wrong with me.

I remember looking at the bag holding the urine coming out of the catheter inserted into my bladder, trying desperately to remember what would be a sufficient amount. My heart felt like it was racing all the time. I remember being so cold. That same day I’m transferred to ICU in kidney failure and with too much fluid around my heart. Once again I’m alone and I am praying for my babies’ birthday not to be the day they lose their mommy. I don’t remember the next 5 days in ICU. These are risk factors number nine (NICU stay for your baby/babies) and risk factor number ten ( a significant illness suffered by the mother).

The First “What if” Thought

On New Year’s Eve day I’m brought out of my drug induced haze in the ICU and begin lying to get to my babies. Yes – lying through my teeth. I tell hospital staff I am fine, that I can get in a wheelchair, and I can be moved to the step down unit. Yes, yes, yes. Whatever you need me to say. I’ll say it so I can touch my babies. I get to them. My heart explodes with love. I can feel my body wanting to lose collapse from pushing it too far too fast. But I will it away.

I’ve heard of moms lifting cars off their children and this was my version of that experience. I stay with them the rest of the day. It’s at that time I’m struck by my first “what if” thought. “What if I lose one of these babies? How will I survive that?” My mom tells me not to worry. They are in the best hands, in the best unit, and that I have always been a worrier. This is risk factor number eleven (history of anxiety or depression).

Bringing My Babies Home

The next 6 weeks are rotation of going to the hospital during the day to be with the babies, and going home at night and crying because I had to leave them there. They all come home within five days of each other. I go from no babies to all three babies in five short days. “No problem”, I thought. After all, I have been the nurse in charge of the nursery so often, and at any given time there were 15-20 babies. What I didn’t is remember sleep. I would leave work as a nurse, go home and sleep and then start again at work the next day.

Within 72 hours of all my babies being home with each on a three hour feeding schedule, and each feeding taking about 2 hours – I’m a total mess. My worried thoughts turned to non-stop racing thoughts. I was unable to sleep even if all the babies slept at once. Unable to swallow from anxiety. Unable to control this bubbling rage I felt. I mentioned my racing thoughts to my OB at my post op check – he assured me it was nothing, and that a shoe shopping expedition would bring me back to normal. Based on all my risk factors, I should have been screened for depression and anxiety immediately. But I wasn’t.

Silenced By Fear

My OB’s face and eyes looked worried and alarmed but I knew then to never say another thing. I didn’t want anyone thinking I was unstable and taking my babies from me. That is how it went on for months, and months. I was so broken and ashamed of how I felt and the thoughts I had. When I mentioned it my (then) husband he looked at me in disgust and said, “you got everything you ever wanted”.

I was a monster, and I didn’t deserve these babies. I became obsessed with death, and how many ways they could die. In a house fire (which I solved by buying a ranch style house), driving my car off a bridge (which I solved by no longer going over bridges) and many more. But I could always fix it. I always set up a safety net.

The Long Road Towards Recovery

I would like to tell you it got better sooner, but I didn’t. I had a severe case of untreated postpartum anxiety/OCD and intrusive thoughts. It didn’t get better for years. Years later working as a floor nurse on a postpartum unit, I’d see the face of new mothers who I knew were feeling what I felt. My pain was so deep and life altering I vowed that I never wanted another mother to feel that way, to feel like a bad mom, a monster, again. I started giving out my cell phone number to keep in touch with these women. At the same time I started getting them to the help they needed – therapy and medication. All without owning my own story with anyone but these soul sisters. Women who were feeling what I had felt.

In 2007, New Jersey became the first state to mandate depression screenings for new moms before they left the hospital. It was thrilling. At the same time I started volunteering for a consortium that was getting PPD resources into the hands of moms. In 2011, I started an official postpartum depression support group at my hospital, and it quickly became the most attended support group in the hospital.

Helping Other Moms

My phone number was passed around and I became something of an urban legend: if you call/text this number, she will help you. In 2013, I presented an idea to my hospital for an actual PPD program. There were none in the state – hell there were only a handful in the whole country. It took 2 years but I got the go ahead, and began building the very program and services I know would have helped me.

The program quickly took off and in less than two years we officially became an interdisciplinary Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders Center. Specialized treatment given by the right team, for any new or pregnant mom. We can easily see 50 new moms a month. We have days we get 10 phone calls – from moms, from husbands/partners, from grandmas. All are asking for help, and we bring them in and we heal them. We validate what they are feeling immediately. I tell each and every new patient that this is the most common complication of childbirth. One in five new moms will experience this. PPD is both temporary and treatable, and we can help you – you will get better.

Peer to Peer Support

Our peer to peer support group is the absolute crux of our center. It’s an honor to have been able to make this happen. Thrilling that I’m part of a hospital system that feels the responsibility to take care of mental health as much as physical health. It’s a blessing to be part of an amazing team of women who are selfless and tireless in helping moms. This job has no clock and we are on all the time. Because in taking care of a new mom, you are taking care of the baby and the family. You are keeping everyone together and intact, which is vital for recovery.

If a new mom isn’t doing well and she is not bonding/attaching with her baby, it can have devastating effects on the whole family unit. Our calling is to keep moms healthy in every way. New Jersey is the first state to mandate postpartum screening and will be the first state to offer pregnant and new moms help – no matter where they are in the state. It’s my dream that one day these same supports will be offered to all moms across the country.